Dr. Sharon's Surf Your Soul Weblog » drsharong

How to talk to your friend with breast cancer

drsharong — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 20:57:21 +0000

Breast cancer devastates the woman who is diagnosed as well as her friends and daily acquaintances. When you hear your friend has breast cancer, you may be so sad and worried that you are afraid you’ll cry if you talk to her. You may be so afraid of saying “the wrong thing” that you avoid her. She is sad and vulnerable and will be hurt by those who avoid her although she may understand the rationale behind the avoidance. She doesn’t want to have an emotional meltdown in public any more than do you. Try to behave as normally as possible. Greet her as you always have. It’s OK to ask her how she’s doing or how is chemo going. Accept what she says, taking the conversation to where she guides and then move on. Talk about the things you used to discuss, how the kids are doing in school, what’s for dinner, did she see that movie. She has the same interests that she used to and will welcome the normalcy of the daily comfortable communication between friends. At the end of the conversation, if you want, you can offer some concrete help. Offer to have her son for a sleepover, offer a ride to a Dr.’s appointment, take her dry cleaning in with yours or pick up some groceries when you go to the market. Her life has become much busier and she is tired but she is concerned about keeping up with responsibilities of home and kids. She wants to insulate her children as much as possible so offers to include her kids in normal fun kid activities is great when she doesn’t have the energy. Let her know that if she ever wants to talk, you would love to listen.

Blogged by Karen Allen PhD RN, Dr.KarenAllenRN@gmail.com

Can gossip be good for us?

drsharong — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 18:57:28 +0000

We’ve all heard that gossip is an vice in which we should not engage. But it turns out that certain types of gossip can be beneficial. http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/09/100908074502.htm Rumor-mongering can have positive outcomes such as helping us police bad behavior, prevent exploitation and lower stress. “Prosocial” gossip is the more beneficial kind, warning others about untrustworthy or dishonest people, as opposed to “voyeuristic” gossip about the ups and downs of tabloid celebrities. In an experiment, participants engaged in an economic trust game witnessed one player cheating. http://newscenter.berkeley.edu/2012/01/17/gossip/ Heart rates rose at those moments. Then, when they were able to send a warning to a new player of the cheater’s dishonesty, heart rates calmed. The higher participants scored on being altruistic, the more negative emotions they experienced after witnessing the cheating, and the more they tried to warn others. Feinberg said.” Participants went so far as to forgo pay in order to warn new players of participant’s cheating. This self-imposed policing of what was perceived as dishonest behavior through gossip was a pleasant surprise to the study’s designer, Robb Willer, who is interested in the way in which prosocial behavior and sentiments allow us to sustain social order.”

Blogged by Karen Allen PhD RN, Dr.KarenAllenRN@gmail.com

Conquering the bad and the good of narcissism

drsharong — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 17:41:09 +0000

GOOD AND BAD: Narcissists will be thrilled to hear that as a group they are rated as more attractive and likable than everyone else at first appearance. They are, as a group, significantly more stylishly clad, cheerful and physically appealing at first sight, exuding more competence, interpersonal warmth, and humor than those who score lower in narcissism. On the dark side, people scoring higher in narcissism also engage, on average, in more disagreeable verbal behaviors: drawing conversations back to themselves, “glazing over” when others speak, talking loudly, arguing and cursing more—and using more sexual language. Both their charming and their disagreeable behaviors can be seen as aimed at maintaining power in an interaction without having to cooperate. On the other hand, some see it a more as an effort to gain social influence than actual intention to exploit or dominate others. Seeking admiration is a like a drug for narcissists’ self-image, and putting others down may be an accidental side effect of that pursuit. Research by Lorna Otway and Vivian Vignoles suggests that creation of a narcissist may indeed occur as Freud long ago suggested: from a whiplash combination of parental coldness alternating with excessive parental admiration. Non-narcissistic people everywhere inadvertently reinforce this dynamic by being overly positive at first impressions so that fading of interest is felt by the narcissist as punishment all over again. Getting positive feedback at first but then being devalued in the long term would certainly be irritating…a possible explanation for the narcissist’s prickly side. [taken from Scott Barry Kaufrman, PhD, personality psychologist at New York University, “The Peacock Paradox” in July/August 2011 Psychology Today] BAD INTO GOOD: To help a narcissist (and yourself) out of the alienating dance, be dignifying of yourself by expressing curiosity and interest more than enthusiasm and (overzealous) admiration over their charm and energy. Be firmly and respectfully honest and committed to vocalizing your own thoughts and disagreements (think iron hand, kid glove). Narcissists at their cores (albeit often unconsciously) crave honesty, understandingly delivered, to make sense of the roller coasters of their own unfortunate social cycles. Handling a narcissist with respect and dignity for both yourself and him/her will grow both you and the narcissists you love or hate—or both—deeper and wiser.

A new frontier in pain management?

drsharong — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 22:55:33 +0000

In a recent study from Science, researchers may have found a way to use opiates in a new way that will not merely keep pain at bay for four hours at a time. The new high dose, short-term therapy with opioids actually causes the reversal of cellular changes which are thought to play an important role in pain memories, therefore possibly eliminating one of the causes of chronic pain. High doses of intravenous opioids over the course of an hour — normally opioids are delivered at moderate doses over a longer period — were able to completely resolve. The memory trace for pain was therefore deleted and the pain amplifier switched off. This study may hopefully signal a paradigm shift in treatment of chronic pain.

ScienceDaily. Retrieved January 16, 2012, from http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/01/120113204933.htm Original article: R. Drdla-Schutting, J. Benrath, G. Wunderbaldinger, J. Sandkuhler. Erasure of a Spinal Memory Trace of Pain by a Brief, High-Dose Opioid Administration. Science, 2012; 335 (6065): 235 DOI: 10.1126/science.1211726

Blogged by Karen Allen PhD RN, Dr.KarenAllenRN@gmail.com

Botox may make you less empathic

drsharong — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 14:26:49 +0000

Botox may hinder people’s ability to recognize other people’s emotions. The reason seems to be that empathy relies heavily on our ability to reflect emotional expressions in our own faces that we see in other people’s. If we can’t move our muscles to match, we have a much harder time knowing what another person is feeling.

In one study, the 31 women who had received either Botox or Restylane were FAR LESS ABLE to identify emotions shown in facial images than non-injected women. In the second experiment, the 95 men and women received a gel application to amplify facial muscle signals to the brain were FAR BETTER at reading emotions than non-gel-application participants. Buyers beware! http://naturalsociety.com/botox-may-deaden-perception-study-says/

Happiness: Holiday Tips for Anxiety

drsharong — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 16:54:20 +0000

Anxiety can take over in the holidays: so much to do, so little time to do it, and so many new and different tasks added onto everything else that regularly has to get done.

The good news: anxiety is actually a friendly emotion… when you befriend it.

Kick up your happiness level by mastering anxiety.

Try some simple physical moves to harness your anxiety:

o Fake a startled jump

o Pout and slouch pessimistically (pull out your lower lip if you have to)

o Make strong kung fu arm motions through the air: you got the power!

Then Question And Act:

o What do I want to do first? Do it ASAP. Next? Jump on it. Keep going

o What do I partly want to do, but partly resist?

What issue(s) are holding me back? Jump on the interference

o How pleased am I with getting each step done? Congratulate yourself, or at least allow yourself and a deep breath and smile.

Every day brings new anxieties because every day bring new opportunities, and new angles on old opportunities.

Let each success—however large or small—make you happy.

Happy Holidays!

PS: If you remain uncomfortable with anxiety, think how “anxious” or “anxiety” really mean “eager, yet reluctant to get going”. Think about how you are ready, set, to go, yet also realistic about limitations. Give yourself the time to work through your anxieties, and your limitations.

You can also try working the simple physical moves of anxiety in more depth.

Wag your tailbone (think dog wagging tail) feeling excited to get going…on whatever. (That’s the excitement in anxiety)
When faking that startled jump, also make a silly grin, as if you’ve just been pleasantly goosed, and tell yourself that you’re in for good surprises.
When you pout and slouch pessimistically, think about how when you were a kid… wherever you were anxious to get to… it felt like you were NEVER going to get there.
When you make those strong kung fu arm motions through the air, be aware that you are harnessing the simpler moves of impatience (batting stuff out of your way) and aggressiveness (pushing ahead)…and that’s OK. A good thing. Getting obstacles out of the way, moving ahead with what needs to be done.

Highly sensitive people (HSPs) are in relationships all around us.

drsharong — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 14:17:41 +0000

Hypersensitivity: real, normal, and little understood.

“Highly sensitive people (HSPs) make up 20 percent of the population. Today, science is validating (this) group of people…who are taking in a whole lot of subtleties that the other 80% of the population don’t even notice. HSPs are likely to answer yes to so-called ‘thin-boundary’ questions such as ‘I have a rich, complex inner life’, ‘I am made uncomfortable by loud noises,’ ‘I am really particular about what kind of fabrics I wear,’ “my moods are very reactive to both what’s going on around me and what’s going on inside me,’ “I am very sensitive to smells’ …some to the degree of reporting being disabled by exposure to colognes, paints, pesticides, and other trace elements in air.”

If you are or love an HSP…

“HSPs occur at a significantly greater rate among artists and musicians than in the general population. While their moods can lead to greater incidence of anxiety and depression, it also appears that their images of beauty are more vivid…as if HSPs alone see the world in high-def. On the plus side, a simple “nice job” might lift an HSP child into game-changing positive effects…say, by studying extra well for the next test. At the other end, ridicule or bullying could snowball easily into despair and futility for an HSP child. School and parenting practices can dramatically enhance the development of these children by recognizing that they can thrive spectacularly in a mildly encouraging classroom or struggle endlessly in a slightly discouraging one, while a less sensitive child is likely to respond about the same regardless of similar variations in the classroom environment. As adults, HSPs are likely to make especially compassionate friends who truly care about others, channel beauty from the world into art and music, home and work activities, and notice things others miss. So, rather than come down on an HSP to ‘toughen up’, think about the importance of being supportive and patient…which can go a long way with both the giver and the receiver of that support.”

[Most of material from “Sense and Sensitivity” by Andrea Bartz in Psychology Today, p 72-79, July/August 2011]

Don’t let work make you sick

drsharong — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 03:01:34 +0000

Are your emotions at work stressing you out?

When you don’t have the things you need, or the time, to get your job done properly, or when folks you work with are difficult, handle your emotional pain, fatigue and general distaste on the spot, often, throughout the day. Each move takes just seconds.

Feeling weighed down by roadblocks: Yawn and roll your eyes upward often

Express the fatigue: try breathing out through puffy lips and letting yourself feel limp.

Feel the yuck try sticking out your tongue, ejecting the distasteful aspects right away instead of just swallowing.

At the end of the day: try writing out or typing about your feelings or thoughts. Or just mull a bit, and let it go.

Overall: the above tips will help you get better sleep and recovery from your day.

Check out some specific physical symptoms of how work can make you sick at http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/02678373.2011.569175

Paying Attention to Your Pleasure

drsharong — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 01:33:44 +0000

Any pleasurable event— eating cupcakes, sipping wine, massage—could lead to reduced sensitivity to your pleasure soon after starting. Your attention migrates elsewhere. You accidentally take what’s happening for granted…even eating a great meal…for granted, and cease to actually enjoy it. WHY and HOW?

http://www.journals.marketingpower.com/doi/abs/10.1509/jmkr.45.6.654 participants receiving a 6-minute massage versus another group receiving two 3-minute massages with a 20-second break between them. The “interrupted” massage participants enjoyed theirs more. The reason: adaptation. By interrupting the massage, people refocused on the renewed pleasure.

Manage your pleasure

Pleasure management is important because pleasure isyour “score” system. It tells you that what you’re doing is good for you. It helps you to repeat the behavior, and it can help you moderate the behavior too.

When you are enjoying anything “naughty”..a gooey cupcake, for instance…notice for how many bites it’s intensely pleasurable. Try to school yourself to knock off eating it after that, rather than continuing to eat at a lower pleasure level. Breathe deeply to emotionally and physically “digest” what you’ve eaten. Take your time deciding whether it’s worth the price of continuing to eat.

When you are doing something “worthy”…a massage, for instance… and your attention lags, ask your masseuse to take a tiny break…say, three deep breaths, to emotionally and physically digest the benefits of the massage, and your body’s opportunities for receiving it well. Being mentally and emotionally in tune helps to increase the benefits of the massage.

Short, even tiny, breaks can clear your head, center you, and make you good to go again. The more you revive on a regular basis, the better to be alive.

Hate, Mass Murder and Society

drsharong — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 14:12:51 +0000

So What Happened: When people feel helpless to deal with their hate, it becomes toxic

NEWS: On Wednesday, October 12, 2011, at a beloved hair salon in Seal Beach,CA, Scott Dekraai walked in armed with pistols, body armor and in two minutes had murdered eight people (killing his stylist ex-wife first). On Friday, October 14, Deputy District Attorney sought the death penalty, and people in the courtroom screamed out in agony and fury at Dekraai, including the words “I hate you.”

Scott Dekraai had been a lovable sportfishing captain until a gruesome accident severed a deckhand in two as Dekraai was trying to save her. He came away with severely injuries to his legs, leaving him unable to drive, and so disabled that he needed a caretaker. After that, friends say, he turned into a ghost of who he was. In time, things turned so tense in his marriage that then-wife, Michelle, left him. Shared custody of their young son went poorly, with Scott distrusting Michelle’s parenting. As things turned uglier, Michelle’s co-workers were uneasy or scared of Scott’s argumentative anger and temper. Still, at home, he was a friendly neighbor who shared gardening tips, gave gifts to newborns, and joined neighborhood watch.

How can the good guy be reconciled with the viciously murderous hate-filled one?

OPINION: Scott and his wife were helpless to deal with his terrible accident, not just his loss of career and mobility, but also the huge trauma and helplessness of witnessing the grotesque death of someone he was trying to save. Scott was helpless to get past his rage, despair, loss of a beloved profession, and loss of vigor and wellness of body. Michelle was helpless to help him with those reactions.

It’s natural for all of us to hate something awful. Hating that we were injured, can’t do what we used to do and our very memories when they take us back to trauma. But when we continue to be helpless to deal with something awful, and then when things get worse, the hate simmers and cooks into the awful brew of irrational hate. We hate someone instead of circumstance. Scott, helpless to improve his circumstances, hated hiswife for leaving him. Michelle had come to hate living with him, and was helpless to do anything but leave.

When we’re helpless, the key is to recognize our helplessness, and deal with that. Why are we feeling helpless? How can we get new tools to adjust to new—unwelcome—circumstances and events? It’s healthy to feel the “ick!” or “yuck!” of hate toward anything that is unhealthy or just plain wrong…like a horribly life altering accident or a marriage turned intolerable. It’s healthy to then try to get to the bottom of it, excavate and clear out the bad stuff.

Feeling helpless to deal with our hate it becomes toxic and leads to irrational and dangerous situations…whether in small ways, or huge ways. It will automatically be aimed at someone or something, instead of just at the circumstances or traumas that caused it.