Dr. Sharon's Surf Your Soul Weblog » drsharong

Two Dangers to Dodge in Love

drsharong — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 22:29:38 +0000

The initial flirtation of love turns over time to flirting with disaster if you don’t become adept at dodging the dangers of…

Silence
Too much information

Here’s how:

Silence is golden many times and in many places, but too much silence keeps problems from being aired. Some ways you can recognize too much silence on your part is a pattern of letting your partner have their way, when you do complain not really getting your way anyway, and tending to look down on your partner for their childish lack of sensitivity to others. In this case, do some wondering and writing about what is underneath the complaints you have. Especially wonder what your pain is, because pain is the source of all stress—both growth-producing stress and health-damaging stress. Make a commitment to stepping out of your comfort zone in order to express yourself more fully, using more words and different words, and going at it more often. Work at speaking up, coming from feeling.
It’s a gift to be able to explain your thoughts, express your feelings and defend your actions, but too much articulation by one drowns the other. You can recognize being a source of too much information if your partner complains that they can’t get a word in edgewise, or that you always get your way, and by a feeling on your part that your partner just isn’t forthcoming with their feelings. Where this is true for you, check in often with your partner as to the impact of what you are saying and doing. Wonder more deeply yourself how you are sensing your partner, not just on the surface, not just now, but more deeply and over the long haul. Work at silence by not responding as quickly or elaborately or wordily as you are used to doing, and by putting your emphasis on listening.

Two tips to grow your passion in love

drsharong — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 01:58:37 +0000

In new love passion is easy. Poor communication hasn’t hurt mates much yet.

In long-time love, accumulated hurts from poor communication can become golden roads to deeper love and greater passion if you…

Stay physically connected
Express thanks multiple times daily

Here’s how.

1. Stay physically connected by touch, often, in many different ways. Don’t just say hello or goodbye: hug each other, kiss each other. Don’t just talk to your mate. While talking, hold hands or cuddle while just leaning on a counter or sitting on the couch. When making love, don’t think of it as sex. Rather, imagine it’s full body skin and guts loving, like a connection massage to every nerve in both your bodies. Touch stimulates endorphins, thereby soothing anxiety, lifting depression, and clearing the mind. When you encounter resistance to touching, work yourself through it by this exercise: a) shake yourself up, b) sag like a limp rag, c) tighten every muscle in your body, d) let go and sway. Then let go again under your partner’s loving touch.

2. Express thanks for everything you can think of. Thank your mate taking time out to listen. Thank for bringing up a problem to be solved together. Thank for errands done, chores accomplished. Thank for offers to do chores or favors and good intentions even when things derail. Thank for positive attributes. Thank for the good things in life you have together. And take time now and then by physically lifting your arms straight up in a “V” for victory, celebrating from head to toe the good things between you.And check out this month’s Love Tweats at DrSharonSays on Twitter.

Writing Tools for New Year’s Resolutions

drsharong — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 00:41:56 +0000

Writing is a powerful method for creating success in your New Year’s resolutions. Here are some specific tools:

Hate Play, Hearts Work
Affirmations
Goals

Each has a form: 1) daily and discarded, 2) posted, or 3) tucked away.

Daily, for discarding immediately: Hate Play, Hearts Work lets your trains of thought and feelings out onto paper. Keeping sentences short write about stress. Looking back over sentences, put hearts around good stuff, scribble out bad stuff, and when something gets a heart but then also seems bad, scribble that out. Even poke holes in the scribbled part if that feels right. Spend five to twenty minutes at it at about same time each day. Keeps your train of thought going for creativity and growth.
To post in a place where you’ll see it often: Affirmations are short positive sentences that seem believable to you. State affirmations on anything you want to accomplish, picking a small enough part that seems within reach. For example, instead of “I will find the right job” (which may make you feel cynical) write “I will find better and better ways of looking for the right job” (which may feel believable to you). Or instead of “I am losing weight” you might try “I am enjoying eating better, and weight is just dropping away at its own right pace.”
Write down a specific goal as if it is already here. Pick a time in the future: say, 3 months, 6 months, or one year from now. Elaborate on the goal as you imagine having accomplished it: how it feel, the consequences of it in your daily life, the effects upon your morale. For example, “This new job is interesting. People treat each other here with more dignity and comaradarie than at my previous job.” Or “Now that I have lost 20 pounds, I feel lighter, and the clothes I’m wearing feel better on my body. I seeing myself in the mirror more than I did when I was 20 pounds heavier.”

Success in New Year’s Resolutions

drsharong — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 03:58:39 +0000

The three most powerful tools in creating and sustaining personal change (and New Year’s Resolutions) are to:

Write
Visualize
Act

Here’s why.

When you write down your thoughts, you actually change your world a little bit. “The pen is mightier than the sword” in this case hones your points for change. When you have to put into words that which you long for, when your hand moves as if creating the very change you want, you actually move forward in time.
Visualizing effectively, you engage your entire mind-body in helping you move forward in a holistic progression. Visualization takes you into the reality that you wish to create, and gives your brain something to ‘fill in the spaces’ on for change.
When you act on your resolution in any way, you experiment. And all experimentation is grist for the mill of change. Science has moved forward more on the backs of many failed experiments than on the backs of the few successes.

Look for blogs coming up soon for ways to make writing, visualizing and acting part of your resolution success.

The Audacity of Hope, by Barak Obama. Book quotes [and Opinions]

drsharong — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 03:29:50 +0000

President Obama describes the “denial, anger, bargaining, despair” of meeting his limits early in his journey into politics. [Transcending limits is the natural outcome of wrestling honorably with those honest emotions.] He acknowledges being “angry about policies that consistently favor the wealthy and powerful over average Americans.” [When anger is as well-handled as it appears to be in Mr. Obama’s hands, it is THE precision tool of change.] He cites how in recent years Democrats have felt increasing drive to “match the Republican right in stridency and hardball tactics” and points also to the national pastime of maligning our politicians and politics…and then counters those perceptions with the observation that voters consistently like their own politicians…because most politicians are “pretty likeable folks…intelligent thoughtful and hard-working.” [In fact, all of daily life is “political.” When you refrain from saying something, you have judged it “impolitic.” When you strive not to offend in speaking, you are “polite.” Whenever we rail at someone distant from ourselves, we are mostly displacing our anger onto a “safer” target than difficult issues in our own lives. So examine your own “denial, anger, bargaining, despair” closely, and honorably, and your anger, to get the direction you need to make healthy change in the politics of your own life.]

Dare to Dream of You and Change

drsharong — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 19:59:14 +0000

Katie Liljedahl at katielilj@gmail.com , in an article for Hope Dance, describes our current despair, powerlessness and guilt over not making sustainable changes soon enough for our consciences. She calls this condition The Great Lag. It’s a lovely description of the creative nature of despair, or, as I like to say from the perspective of my Unified Theory of Emotion, as testimonial to the enormous potential and hidden treasures in any kind of sadness. She describes the role of community: our reaching out to join hands in global problem solving. There are growing numbers of activities to make a difference. For your inspiration: Transition Town is in operation at Santa Barbara www.sblocal.org. Making A Difference in wonderful ways is yours for the taking.

The Good, the Bad and the Mystery in Autism

drsharong — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 23:46:25 +0000

From Dr. Sarita Freeman, Ph.D. Psychologist specializing in developmental disabilities: Although autism is a diagnosis and a “disorder” (whatever that means), it’s important not to consider it a “pathological condition.” In fact, some of those previously undiagnosed individuals that appear to have had behaviors consistent with a current dx of autism include geniuses, scientists, brilliant mathematicians, politicians, computer designers, etc., and are likely to have been responsible for the many technological advances and comforts that we non-autistic individuals now take for granted. This has been the most recent discussion and debate in the field related to the possibility of being able to identify autism in utero and what could happen as a result of the gradual genetic “weeding out” of these great minds. From my experience working with children and adults on the spectrum, they are very interesting individuals, their “take” on the world is unique, refreshing, and really can make you think. Do they struggle? Yes. Is that a reason to label them pathological? Hardly…most of them wouldn’t hurt a fly, and they would be the most loyal of friends you would could ever have if you allowed them into your circle. From my vantage point, if they get the appropriate interventions from early-on (the earlier the better), many can go to college and become contributing members of our society.
In terms of the autism dialogue: What we have learned about Autism over the last 15 years of research is that it is a neurobiological disorder. It is not an attachment disorder and is not related to being left at daycare. Although the rates in CA appear to be somewhat higher than in other places, there are other pockets in this country (New Jersey, for example), where rates are higher as well. But the most current statistics from the CDC of 1 in 150 are accurate throughout the world, and daycare is not utilized to the same degree worldwide. In addition to genetics, there is a great deal of ongoing research in the field looking at environmental triggers that may be unleashing a genetic predisposition in particular children.
Recent reports of an extremely high incidence of autism being diagnosed in children from Somali families living in the U.S. (1 in 14? but don’t quote me on that), has been fodder for the surge in research looking at environmental factors. Another recent set of studies have identified that exposure to higher levels of testosterone in utero may be responsible for at least some cases of autism. The genetic research thus far has shown that, in fact, autism is a highly heritable and genetic disorder. Identical twins have a significantly higher incidence of having autism spectrum disorders when one of the twins has it, than in the general population. Siblings of children with autism have a higher incidence of language delays and/or learning disabilities and/or autism. If you already have a child with autism, your risks of having another one are significantly higher than in the general population (I think it’s 25%, but again, don’t quote me on that). In interviewing the families of children or adults with a confirmed diagnosis of autism by an autism expert using gold standard methods, we find in most cases a strong history of other family members, including one of the individual’s parents, cousins, nieces, nephews, long lost uncles, etc., who either have had a confirmed dx of autism, or were always somewhat “off” and exhibited by observation, symptoms that could be consistent with ASD.
Although better diagnosis can account for some of the rise in cases, it’s not the only reason. That being said, it’s important to remember that previously we didn’t even consider the possibility that people who were “high functioning” (i.e., IQ within normal range) could be diagnosed with any kind of autism until Asperger’s Disorder appeared in the DSM-IV in 1994. So, the possibility that anyone could have a diagnosis of autism who did not present with behaviors that were at minimum consistent with what we saw in the movie Rain Man, did not exist until 1994.
If you’re really interested in learning about adults with autism spectrum disorders who are on the speakers circuit, google Temple Grandin, Stephen Shore, Jerry Newport, or go to www.autismhangout.com to hear podcasts where some of these people talk about their lives and experiences. Mozart and the Whale is a movie that was modeled after Jerry Newport and his wife, who both have autism. [Sarita Freedman, PhD, Licensed Psychologist, Adults and Children
Developmental Disabilities, 26540 Agoura Road, Suite 100, Calabasas, CA 91302, (818) 999-9330, sfreedmanphd@sbcglobal.net ]

The Wisdom and Balance of Hope

drsharong — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 23:43:10 +0000

An ancient Greek myth tells of a time when all was perfect on earth. The gods had put all the potential ills away in a locked trunk, guarded by a faithful human who tol no one of its contents. As ill luck would have it, though, this man’s teenage daughter, Pandora, became fascinated with finding out what was in the trunk. One day, she finally found a way to open the trunk. Out exploded all the ills of existence, each more terrifying to behold than the next. Horrified, Pandora slammed the trunk closed. Then, she heard a voice calling from inside the trunk. Curiosity yet again overcoming her prudence, Pandora drew near, and listened. “I am Hope,” the voice said. “Please let me out. The world needs me in order to endure the ills, and to find ways to overcome them.” And so, Pandora let Hope out of the chest. From the spin of my Unified Theory of Emotion, hope is a balanced, virtuous, spiritual feeling that is part of the emotion of humility. In hope, we swallow despair, and we take time to digest all that has happening. In hope, we balance our awe over what is beautiful and good with our hopelessness over what is ugly and bad. Hope is also part of the complicated virtue of wisdom, which is in turn a combination of the simpler virtues of pain, humility and compassion.

Handling and Preventing Headaches

drsharong — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 22:07:52 +0000

Harvard Medical School recently shared some “easy and natural” ways to ease and prevent headache pain. Every year, “almost 90% of men and 95% of women have at least one, and the vast majority of them are simply natural responses “to the realities of life: stress, fatigue, exposure to allergens, and lack of sleep.” [Ah, yes! Lack of sleep. The rampant popularity of getting less than 9 hours nightly accounts for a huge chunk of the excessive stress and fatigue.] (1) Get enough sleep [see Dr. Sharon’s past newsletter and look for her upcoming CD “Sleep for Health”], (2) “figure out whether there’s a connection between your headaches and particular foods” or activities. “Few triggers are obvious, so a headache diary is a good tool to use when trying to figure this out.” [Red wine is a common headache trigger, as are many other common foods. Excessive sunlight is a common trigger for some, as is excessive noise.] (3) Deal with the muscle tension in your head, neck and shoulders. [Activator chiropractic methods, acupuncture, deep tissue massage, and rehabilitation of posture (through physical therapy, therapeutic pilates, yoga, Tai Chi) can all help to develop better muscle habits to prevent muscle tightness and spasms that bring on headaches.] (4) Learn to relax throughout your day. [Just taking one to two minutes every hour or two to focus on breathe fully in and exhale fully out can go a long way in grounding you. Meditation comes from simply extending that breathing and focus on just breathing to five, ten, fifteen or twenty minute periods.] “A heating pad applied daily…can relax tense muscles in your neck and shoulders and help prevent headaches. Taking a hot shower or bath can also help. A cold pack (on neck or temples) can constrict blood vessels and ease the pain of a headache already in progress. (6) Learn to practice physical expression of confusion and ambivalence as taught from Dr. Sharon’s Unified Theory of Emotion. Practice shaking your head, in confusion, gently side to side, chin horizontal, as if you are shaking (or agitating) your brains around a washing machine spindle. Practice ambivalence by rolling your shoulders (as if swimming) and your head (around in circles in either direction). These physical movements help to keep your from tensing up in resistance to confusion or ambivalence. Confusion is needed for any new thought: without confusion there is no new conclusion. Ambivalence is needed for any well-thought through decision: it keeps your head and heart “talking” to each other, rather than slamming down rigidly in your musculature to prevent the discussion.

“Sweeter Than Cocaine.” Rats!

drsharong — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 18:38:47 +0000

I’ve long said that I am a sugar addict. The reason for so saying is my complete inability to eat intense sweets in moderation. I can let a little super sweet treat creep into my diet, and then, more creep in. And more and more. At a certain point, I start thinking obsessively about where my next sweet is coming from, and how long I have to wait before ingesting it. That’s when I know I’ve gone over the edge. Recently some research added credence to my assertion of sugar addiction. As reported in Scientific American Mind, April/May 2008, graduate student Magalie Lenoir and colleagues at the University of Bordeaux in France compared the attraction of rats to IV administration of cocaine (the rats were experienced “users” in self-administration) and highly sweetened water. Overwhelmingly the rats chose the sweet beverage over cocaine! Neurological research has shown that drugs and food activate similar reward pathways in the brain, and other behavioral research has showen that rats can become dependent on sugar, “exhibiting typical symptoms of addiction, including craving and both behavior and neurochemical signs of withdrawal”. Rats like me! And maybe like you or someone you know? A caveat on the sweet-preference research is that rats might not addict to cocaine, but still…. I think they’re on the right track.